I simply existed in life with this big black hole inside of me, it seemed that no matter what I did, I just couldn’t fill it, and it was eating away at my soul. I was full of self-hatred, I loathed myself, and my inner talk was full of …. You don’t deserve to live, do everyone a favour and just die; you are just a Fuck up. At various times of my life, when the inner bitch got the better of me, I made attempts to finally end my internal struggles. This was when I was at my lowest, before I had my children. I wanted to lie down and dissolve into to the floor. This was a pretty exhausting cycle of life.
I thought this was the way life was going to be forever, I wanted to be happy, fulfilled, to be really able to enjoy life, but I didn’t know where to start. I had enough, I was a Mum and wanted to be a better Mother to my children than my Mother had been to me, the truth was I actually was, my friends told me this time again, I just didn’t believe them, beating myself up for my ridiculous high expectations again, I just couldn’t see it. I decided to see the G.P. I was offered counselling and Anti-Depressants knowing no different I agreed, but for me it became another way to cope, to mask my deep seated issues.
From the outside you never would have guessed how I really felt about myself and the self-hatred I tormented myself with, as I plastered my smile on my face and got on with life. Very few knew about my shameful past, I say shameful because I truly believed everything that happened was caused by me; I truly believed I was unlovable, I was not worthy of anything good, and whatever I did I would fuck up, of course I would, as I self-sabotage anything good in my life. My husband would tell me he loved me, I would tell myself he was lying, why would anyone love me? This was a massive concept I just couldn’t get my head around I convinced myself they were all just being nice.
I tried drowning out my inner bitch with wine, this was a great tactic as it also suppressed my emotions, as I could not let them out, no way, as that would be a sign of weakness and I needed to be perfect, I had very high expectations but somehow I never achieved them, another great opportunity to berate myself for my self-fulfilling prophecy.
I eventually saw a really insightful coach who helped me identify that my abusive, neglectful, and traumatic childhood, including the suicide of my mother when I was 8, this left me with big rejection issues, all needed to be worked through, not suppressed. I understood I needed to like me, to see the good in me; everyone else could, to be able to let any chance of happiness and love into my life. The aim was be able to accept that the things that happened to me were not my fault. One of the best things that happened to me was to be placed in Foster care with my incredible and nurturing Foster parents who I will be eternally grateful for and was the reason I met my rock, my husband of nearly 17 years and our beautiful family.
I then went on a long journey of personal discovery; understanding and implementing what I had learnt and seemed to of developed a fascination with self-development, gaining qualifications along the way loving the concept of Reiki and especially NLP.
I am very proud to say that today I am running a successful business, helping others to help themselves to create the life they deserve. With my hand on my heart I can truly say I love and respect myself and I am absolutely sparkling with the rollercoaster of life as I know it. Life is always going to happen, I have no control over this but I have developed healthy coping strategies, my history and trauma will never go away but I now have inner peace, I have freed myself from all the heavy chains that were pulling me down, I have owned and accepted them, releasing them one at a time and I am now living a happy, fulfilled live and am truly loving life, always embracing new opportunities to learn more self-development for myself and my clients.
Thank you reading my blog, I hope that by sharing it with you can show that your past experiences do not have to hold you back, in fact they can make you, if you allow them.
Polly Jukes from Rural Connections Mind and Body Coaching