This Christmas will be a rollercoaster of emotions, sadness for the members of our family we have lost. We will capture the essence of them in our celebrations. I am continuing talking about them to my children. We will light candles. We have Christmas tree ornaments to represent them. We also have photos of them around the house. We will share funny, heartfelt memories and even the embarrassing tales of our time with those who we are missing. I will also be high with the giddiness of the children’s contagious enthusiasm and energy. Children have a simplistic view of life when we do Adulting we tend to make it all very complicated.
I can feel the tears well up inside of me as I have been thinking of my Dad a lot recently. He died three days after my first Son was born. I had just come out of the hospital. He did not get to meet his grandson.
My Dad was elderly, but it was a sudden shock. I registered the birth of my son and the death of my Dad on the same day. I took on the task of motherhood and planning a funeral with the support of my very supportive husband. I created a belief that I just had to cope as I was a Mum now. This was not very helpful at the time. I have a new set of beliefs now that empower me. At the time I put on a brave face and while I was alone breastfeeding my son the big fat tears rolled down my face. I grieved in silent sobs. I was determined not to get postnatal depression and was already on a mission to be the best Mum ever as I did not want to turn into my Mum.
I was mentally strong and stubborn I stepped into my masculine energy to carry me through. Now I have a balance and understand it is more than ok to show emotions. It is not a weakness I once thought it was, it is a strength I am embracing being open, raw and vulnerable. I want to help others to have a better relationship with themselves and their emotions, stepping away from coping mechanisms that are not helpful. These can be the misuse of food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, and shopping. All these things are fine in moderation when you are in control but to some, they become an unhealthy coping mechanism that consumes them. It starts to become the way they deal with life’s ups and downs, affecting themselves and those around them, this is my driver as to why I became a qualified coach, to help people realize there are other ways and to share my knowledge, tools, and techniques.
I feel I am going into this Christmas with my heart on my sleeve for all to see as I have had such an emotional year. Literally emotional. I was excellent at not doing emotions. My unhealthy coping mechanism was alcohol. I gave it up nearly a year ago now as it was my partner in crime, my emotional crutch, and my numbing tool. It has been a journey of self-realization and the start of an emotional volcano. This has also helped me make the most progress in my mindset, my business and I am the happiest, the most energetic, resourceful and confident version of myself.
You see, suppressing the negative emotions as a coping mechanism worked a treat but unfortunately, you cannot pick or choose which emotion you contain as it puts a lid on them all including joy, happiness, pleasure which was weird because so many people knew me as smiley Polly. I always wanted to be in the theatre. I loved the village players/ I think I would have been very good at it as it seems my persona was compelling. When I started opening up about how I really felt about myself, the self-hatred, self-loathe, thoughts that everyone would be better off without me, really dark feelings which fueled my lack of self-belief and negative inner voice which entailed a massive void within me people were confused and genuinely surprised. We never truly know how life is for other people, we are all very good at telling people what we want them to know especially on social media platforms, do not get me started on this one.
So these emotions need a vent, a way out. Think of them as energy. They need somewhere to go, this is what I have been learning and have as a result developed some new hobbies. However, I do find myself leaking tears while sitting with the children taking an interest in their latest favorite program at the emotional bits, especially the Disney ones!
Tears are energy in motion, let them come they will soon pass there is nothing to be frightened of. Maybe a slight inconvenience of messy makeup, use your imagination men. I mean you do not see someone crying for weeks on end after experiencing some emotions, do you? Embrace the feelings. This is what makes us human. To be able to feel the full spectrum of emotions. If something keeps coming up for you, revisit it, get uncomfortable with it and let it go so you can move forward.
Some of the things that have really helped me were to name the emotions, saying them out loud gives you back control and takes the sting out the tail. The good emotions are enjoyable to feel, and you don’t want to stop experiencing them. The other emotions need a vent, a way out.
I have found that being alone and having a full on adult tantrum i.e. stamping your feet and shouting as loud as you can “It is not fair”, using swear words I always feel like a rebel. Hit a pillow, throw a pillow or punch your mattress. Be creative to find out what works for you. You can fully let go when you are alone. I have heard of people shouting as a train passes them by. I guess they live near a station. We are rural, so I can go out into the fields and yell as much as I want. This will be in available in upcoming workshops! Once the emotion has been expressed, let it go. Move on by putting some upbeat mood-lifting music on or meditate, forgive them and/or yourself. Go back to your calm place knowing you can do this whenever you like.
I also found the different layers of exercise I never have really enjoyed before. Exercise had been on my to-do list. I just could not understand why people loved it so much. I get it now, I really do, it is so much more than just moving your body. I find it really good for mini vents, a way of out letting all the pent-up emotion that has built. All the stresses and the trivial part of adulting. It is my prevention, for me, it helps to keep my mood level, especially with my hormones affecting me the way they do. I write a lot, in journals, on paper, it is a great way to get all the chatter in your head out, gaining clarity and space for constructive thoughts.
I also practice meditation this helps me learn which thoughts to actually engage with, identifying which ones are helpful and to become fully present in what I am doing this, sounds easy right? I feel this will always be a work in progress, the more I do it, the better I will become. As with personal development, it is still evolving, another level another devil, you do not get to a standard and tick a box for your own development reading….done………I am now the Dalai Lama! I would like to add I am not all woo woo, but I do incorporate a little in my coaching practice. I am also very open-minded I think I am a hippy in denial. I would love the hashtag #glamourioushippy I’m sure that is a whole different blog.
Thank you for reading Polly Jukes Mind and Body Coach x